This week is just draining the life from me, which is slightly ironic as I'm currently creating life. The second trimester cannot get here soon enough. I'm tired all day regardless of how much food/sleep I get, to the point where I just don't even want to open my mouth to speak. Then again, maybe it's not that I don't want to speak but that I'm so burned out that I can't muster up the words, like now, my head just feels like it's buzzing and cloudy.
The morning sickness has let up the last two days though. I haven't felt the urge to throw up, but I'm still having a lot of trouble eating anything, even little snacks. Like with the last pregnancy, I just don't want food even if I'm absolutely starving.
Rylan's been getting his second tooth the last few days. He's not super upset and crying about it, and he can certainly eat. But he's sleeping less and less, and is consistently whiney all day. He's learned to bounce his head off the crib, or pack and play as a way to reroute his teething pain. A 10minute nap out of 9 hours however is completely unlike him, and unfortunately when I desperately need a nap. I just dont have the energy to talk or play with him as much lately, as I get super winded and have to sit or lie down to catch my breath after a few minutes.
If my physical ailments aren't enough to run me down, we also have financial issues arising. I'm a stay at home mom, trying to start a business and just about down to my last dollar from unemployment. I'm trying to find a part time job, but I'm very picky about where I work. This is because I know exactly who I am and how I act, and if I don't find the right job, I won't stay there long. I can really only take on a morning shift so Nick and I don't have to spend money we don't have on a sitter. I feel like if I just sold my car, I'd at least have my portion of rent for the next couple of months, but rent isn't enough to live on, specially with one growing baby needing food and clothing.
Speaking of clothing, I hate to be selfish here, but I wish I could buy things for myself. I didn't even when I did have money. It's so rare I spend money on myself, and it used to be something that made me happy. Two pairs of earrings for a total of $10 would make me feel pretty and flash for days. I feel guilty buying a $6 hair product I really want. I have 4 shirts, and 3 pairs of jeans that fit me. I bagged up all of my other clothes today to get rid of, there's no point in keeping them if they no longer fit my post pregnancy/newly pregnant body. I don't feel pretty anymore, at all, and I used to really pride myself on my appearance. I never wanted to fall into that messy hair/sweats category type of mom, yet I'm half way there. I understand you have to make sacrifices for your children and that's fine, I'm more than happy to, but at what point do I say "I NEED this for ME" I DESPERATELY need to feel like my old self again. I have zero confidence in my appearance. I never leave the house which has caused my anxiety to roll back around stronger than ever. It's so early on in this pregnancy and I already know a breaking point is just around the corner.
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